"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." - Raymond Hull
The film Jerry Maguire was made famous by an array of popular one liners that mimicked, if not, ridiculed the egoic existence of human experience. On one hand we have Cuba Gooding Jr. playing a rambunctious football star who, while jumping up and down, demands that Tom Cruise’s character show him the money. In a different scene we see Tom Cruise’s character make an attempt to display his affections for Renee Zellwegger’s character, by telling her “you complete me”.
You Complete Me.
Although the scene stealing gesture brought a mist to the eyes of the faint of heart, the words themselves have a great meaning beyond the surface of what they are intended to describe. On one hand it’s easy to believe that his You Complete Me, comment is merely a synonym for saying the other three words, I love You. If he were in love, he could’ve simply said, “I love you”. Makes for great reality, but apparently not good enough for TV. Now let’s assume this happens in real life. You partner says to you, “you complete me”. It would probably make you feel good, but should it? Wouldn’t this mean your partner is so fragmented in their own being, that they need you – a whole separate and completely different person - to make them whole? I think so. What about when your partner complains about you not completing them? When he or she needs you to alter your personality in order for them to feel, assured, secure, attractive, wanted, loved, or in some way satisfied for being in a relationship with you. Isn’t there something a bit wrong with that picture? What happened to the idea of accepting the person you are with, flaws and all?
We’re all perfect, in that we have strengths and weaknesses that create the whole person whom we are. If we were absent of flaws or absent of perfections, then we’d be imperfect. But that’s not the case for any of us. We all have positives and negatives and these combined traits are what create a balanced, whole, individual. Understanding that, we then meet a potential partner who we see as a whole person until we’re exposed to the flaws that we previously perceived as insignificant. Over time, infatuation no longer has the strength to hold up our perceptions as their flaws continuously unfold before our very eyes. Then we build this approach to changing the person’s negatives as a means to make our relationship with our partner more bearable. Isn’t it just the start of the end at this point? I mean we cannot shape and mold a person to be our ideal… We can only be our own ideal and hope that our efforts are reflected.
On one hand, change is necessary for every whole person who is a part of a pair. There are certain behaviors we have as singles that must be pushed out in order to be in a relationship. For example, we can’t have various relationships with multiple people if we are agreeing to being monogamous with one person. That’s a change that’s necessary for a relationship to flourish. But when a requested change is something like “I need you to be a more aggressive person because that would satisfy me more in this relationship” or “ I want you to speak to me the way my ex used to” , these are more examples of the personality conflicts that I have discussed in the previous paragraph. Understand also that these statements can be cleverly hidden in words that are less blunt but nonetheless abrasive. These are examples of the person needing you to complete them in order for them to be happy. The truth is that these are relationships that will be short lived.
Working on a relationship is required in order for it to be a lasting one, however, there’s an art in knowing that a relationship needs work, or needs to end. When someone used to do something and you miss it, requesting them to continue the behavior you’ve grown accustomed to, is working on the relationship. Asking them to do something totally different and unlike who they are, is not. If you’re unsure about how that person feels about you, simply ask. If they answer you, and you’re in a monogamous relationship, trust what they tell you. Maybe you like to hear it a lot and your partner isn’t prone to grand gestures of verbal expressions of love, but he or she is very giving of her time and affection. Pay attention to that. The story is the same, only delivered differently. Don’t assume that if they don’t say and do exactly what your personal guidebook describes, that they aren’t into you. You could just be reading the signals incorrectly. If it gets to a point where you are unable to deal with the difference in expression, then move on to someone who gives you what you want.
You can’t change a person. You can only accept and stay… or accept and leave.
Until next time.
1 comment:
I couldn't agree with you more about either accepting a person, or not accepting a person. But my perception of the words, "You complete me" are this: Every relationship is strongly built on each person "filling in the gaps" within the other person and vice versa. Otherwise, the union will never be solid and stable.
I was told once that I "need someone who will cater to me". For a few days I mulled over those words and replayed the relationship that I had that could have prompted those feelings. And you know what finally gave me peace and allowed me to not only move past those words, but to move past that relationship? It was simply that everyone, and more importantly both partners in a relationship, need some level of catering; and I had provided that in many ways. We all concede apart of ourselves to the partner we are with. The most critical component of that is whether you are conceding that for love or for recognition. Love doesn't need a thanks, a pat on the back or unconditional rewarding for the action(s) of conceding. Love understands that each action is appreciated even if "thanks" is sometimes forgotten, so long as conceding is occuring from both sides willingly. Recognition, to put it bluntly, is more self satisfying than anything. You expect a tit for tat; taking for giving. And when you don't get what you were expecting, you suddenly feel that you need to stop giving. That's not love at all; not even close. So to make a long story short, "you complete me" to me implies love. Because in order to recognized your flaws and that your partner is the only one who can "fill your gaps", and to be willing to concede apart of yourself to fill your partners gaps, you have to truly love that person. In the end, whether you are conceding time, money, personality changes or monogamy if you don't do that for love, there is no point in doing it because you are doing nothing but setting up your relationship for failure.
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