An interesting thing about Liars

From Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D. "Psychological Honesty": Even a pathological liar carries deep in his heart a desire for goodness and honesty and yet, because of painful emotional wounds, believes that the world never has, and never will, recognize his pain. And so, to hide that pain from himself, he uses all the lies he can concoct to hurl at the world as he runs in fear from his own goodness.

Why people lie — and how to tell if they are

If you are what you attract, what am I if I attract a pathological liar? Mere internet research provides too much, yet not enough information to the question “why do people lie?”. The results returned have provided so much insight into the generic reasons why people lie, such as to avoid punishment, or to preserve reputation. These examples are quite obvious in explaining the reason why someone would claim scoring a 1200 on an SAT when the truth is 1150. Or when a child claims to have not eaten the chocolate cake, ignorant of the evidence smeared around his mouth. But what about the adult who brazenly fixes her lips to speak a premeditated, multi-layered, cognitively complex misrepresentation of the truth? What is the explanation of that? There seems to be no easy answer. Of course one would admit that she’s hiding something. But of course that’s another one of those generic answers. What could a person have done, thought, said, or experienced that would cause them to go through such great lengths to intentionally hide it by lying about practically everything that came from her mouth?

Lying about some menial event in an effort to prevent an unnecessary conflict is one thing. Lying about your identity and all the makings of you is quite another. Dr. Gail Saltz, a New York Psychiatrist and contributor to the Today show, briefly explains the various levels of liars from those who tell little white lies – which in effect is all of human nature- and those who’s tale-telling goes quite a bit deeper under the surface. She describes those individuals who “lie a lot – and knowingly – for personal gain…may have a diagnosis called antisocial personality disorder”. Most of us refer to this commonly as being a sociopath. Sociopath. The label has a very strongly negative connotation, usually referring to an individual who creates damage on a level unfathomable by a healthy human being. But does it have to be so drastic? Perhaps sociopaths exist all among us and function as we all do without creating the grave destruction that we may associate with say – a serial killer. But their dissociative behavior is no less disturbing, particularly when you find yourself hopelessly smitten with someone who unfortunately falls into this category.

If you are someone who has been involved either romantically or otherwise with someone like this, you may find yourself asking a host of questions. Why’s and When’s and How’s. But the answers never come. The only way for you to figure them out is to accept that you will never know.

This leads to my first question… If you are what you attract, what am I if I attract a pathological liar?

Your suggestions are welcome...

Power Struggle

Relationships are like trying to find the perfect water temperature in your shower. It’s like you start off with perfectly heated hot water and then it becomes too hot so you turn on the cold faucet to even out the temps. And it always takes a few tries to get it just right. Eventually the cold takes over and you wonder if you've run out of hot water completely. That's what it’s like to see your other half unmasked. The petty squabbles, the random moments of passion, the changes in positive and negative energy...you never know what each moment will bring. Suddenly the excited haze fades and the sobering light of day parades around dressed as reality. I prefer the haze, even if it’s not real. At least it feels a helluva lot better. The consistency of knowing that I’m desired and not easily dispensable. The comfort of them finding your quirks cute even when you’re totally embarrassed by them. That’s pleasure. That’s also the “romantic” phase when everything is rose colored and sweet smelling. Before the reality of reality sets in and you realize that you’re both humans with habits that the other hates.

As a newbie in the relationship realm, I find this second (Power Struggle) stage to be anything but desirable. They claim there’s a pot-o-gold on the other side of this rainbow for those few who are strong enough to make it. I question my emotional fitness in this situation. I, being quite the sensitive type, find the nagging and change in tone a bit difficult to tolerate more often than not. Even when things feel good, the threat of stepping on a verbal landmine causes a sobering cloud to hover over the otherwise good vibes. Is this what I signed up for? The irony of the situation is that despite this discomfort, the desire to stay put remains. Fight or Flight manages to escape my biological composition during those awkward moments where voices are raised and eyes are rolled. And I always regret not doing something. Not saying something. Perhaps the road less traveled is quiet and thus leads to the pot-o-gold they claim is awaiting my arrival. I guess there is only one way to find out.

For now I’ll keep one hand behind my back, fingers crossed, with the other hand firmly planted in my mates.

If you want to know a person’s state, check her closets

As humans –wait, let me rephrase that, as Adult Humans—we have the uncanny knack and the insatiable desire to put our best face forward. We’ve been told that first impressions are lasting impressions and we’ve been told to live as though we are always being watched. And on one level that’s not such a bad motto to live by. Until the best face forward becomes a mask that we are unable to remove.

One fortunate side effect of a growing relationship is that over time your mask and your partner’s mask is removed and you see the real person. This can be a challenging time in a relationship’s lifecycle. But the good thing about that is after you reach the other side of that challenge you grow closer and more confident in your trust for your partner and their trust for you. Unless you never make it to the other side because of a breakdown in trust. An already relatively unstable relationship will surely crumble under the weight of accusations and arguments. Never did I think I would give up so much of myself to another person. Never did I think that after giving my trust, it would be ripped up in such a way. That’s what lying does to a relationship…it rips up the trust like a maxed out credit card being pushed through an industrial strength shredder.

Being the anally neat person that I am, I really appreciate a person who is neat…and she was. I found her home equally as comfortable as my own. Until I looked in her closet. She had one of those closets that can make you afraid to stand in front of it, lest you open the door and everything topples over you. And not just one…but ALL of them. Cabinets, closets, storage closets. They were all filled to the brim and practically running over. They were cluttered with stuff. Lots of stuff. It was my idea to help her clean her bedroom closet. I had helped her reorganize and store things so that she could easily find them… then the next day it looked as though nothing had changed.

This had me thinking about people and their habits. We all have them…good ones, bad ones, ugly ones… Some people drink, some shop, some eat, some workout, some do drugs, some cheat on their mates, some lie, some write, some paint, some sing, some pick their cuticles. The point is what we do externally can directly mirror what our internal emotional and psychological state is. She had a bad habit of lying. I have a bad habit of overanalyzing (picking). Her habit of lying can be seen in how she hoards and stores. My habit can be seen in how I pick my cuticles. Yes it’s disgusting to pick to your cuticles, but it has this amazing calming effect. So anyway, last night after allowing the last tear of breakup to fall, it dawned on me that lying tends to be a behavior we do to cover up something. If she were a habitual liar, then she must have held on to a lot of experiences, some old, some new, some good, some bad. Just like her overstuffed closets.

So if you want to know what a person’s emotional and psychological state is, look in their closets. If an otherwise neat person has a mangled array of crap in their closet, it’s probably safe to assume they have a mangled array of crap in their psyche.