Fate

“I don’t believe in Fate”. My fun-loving friend boldly stated over the weekend as we discussed the current state of her relationship with her long-term boyfriend. She wondered whether it was worth remaining or better to leave. Given that the good and the bad tended to cancel each other out, she finds herself neither enthusiastic nor repulsed by the relationship. Based on my knowledge of her situation, I advised her to date around, not for the purpose of finding new love, per se, but for the purpose of growth. It is my intuition that they will ultimately be together, but there’s a period of personal expansion that she needs. Growing is fate. We’re all destined to be more than we were the day before. If you ask me, fate is certainly worth believing in.

We have very little control and only two choices in our entire life. We are born into circumstance and we exist in circumstance. We don’t choose the situations we ultimately end up experiencing. We only choose whether we’re going to experience the scenario painfully or peacefully. But regardless, we’re going to go through it. And that’s that. So basically, fate is a very real thing. I use the example of death. I’m going to die. You will too, if you weren’t aware. From now until then, I have two choices: 1. To live life to the fullest or 2. To live life controlled by limits. Those are our choices. In every situation, every day, every moment. My analysis of the situation is oversimplified as there are variables that effect how we make one of those two decisions, but the point is that there are only two. When you realize and accept that, you are then easily able to disassociate yourself with the petty dramas and self-created pitfalls that accompany the weather of life.

The weather will be what it will be. Some days it will rain. The simple solution is to remember your umbrella. Protective mechanisms can only help you so far. We create walls that provide a false sense of security from the “damage” that life’s harms create. But really there is no insurance from trauma. The act of “protecting” ourselves from adversity, only prevent us from developing. Take a breakup for example. Breakups suck! The ending of what you thought would last a lifetime (if not longer) can create a myriad of negative emotions. But really, what is an ending but a beginning in disguise? Often it takes a bit of time to realize this, but once you do, everything changes. Fate may be that you two are not meant to be, and if this is the case, no matter what you coulda, woulda, shoulda done will not change the outcome. The only thing you can do is decide what will happen within you. It’s natural to mope and sulk in the beginning of a trauma, but eventually (sooner than later) you have to actively decide that you are going to be fine. And before you know it, the sun comes out again.

I always say life is like a wave, sometimes you’re in the trough, sometimes you’re on the crest. Just ride the wave. There is no such thing as good or bad. There just is. Life is neutral; only your internal state of being can be good or bad. How you react to a situation determines the situation. Not the situation itself.

I am a believer. Not in life, love and the pursuit of happiness, but in fate. Que Sera, Sera. What will be, will be.

Until next time.

You Complete Me

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." - Raymond Hull

The film Jerry Maguire was made famous by an array of popular one liners that mimicked, if not, ridiculed the egoic existence of human experience. On one hand we have Cuba Gooding Jr. playing a rambunctious football star who, while jumping up and down, demands that Tom Cruise’s character show him the money. In a different scene we see Tom Cruise’s character make an attempt to display his affections for Renee Zellwegger’s character, by telling her “you complete me”.

You Complete Me.

Although the scene stealing gesture brought a mist to the eyes of the faint of heart, the words themselves have a great meaning beyond the surface of what they are intended to describe. On one hand it’s easy to believe that his You Complete Me, comment is merely a synonym for saying the other three words, I love You. If he were in love, he could’ve simply said, “I love you”. Makes for great reality, but apparently not good enough for TV. Now let’s assume this happens in real life. You partner says to you, “you complete me”. It would probably make you feel good, but should it? Wouldn’t this mean your partner is so fragmented in their own being, that they need you – a whole separate and completely different person - to make them whole? I think so. What about when your partner complains about you not completing them? When he or she needs you to alter your personality in order for them to feel, assured, secure, attractive, wanted, loved, or in some way satisfied for being in a relationship with you. Isn’t there something a bit wrong with that picture? What happened to the idea of accepting the person you are with, flaws and all?

We’re all perfect, in that we have strengths and weaknesses that create the whole person whom we are. If we were absent of flaws or absent of perfections, then we’d be imperfect. But that’s not the case for any of us. We all have positives and negatives and these combined traits are what create a balanced, whole, individual. Understanding that, we then meet a potential partner who we see as a whole person until we’re exposed to the flaws that we previously perceived as insignificant. Over time, infatuation no longer has the strength to hold up our perceptions as their flaws continuously unfold before our very eyes. Then we build this approach to changing the person’s negatives as a means to make our relationship with our partner more bearable. Isn’t it just the start of the end at this point? I mean we cannot shape and mold a person to be our ideal… We can only be our own ideal and hope that our efforts are reflected.

On one hand, change is necessary for every whole person who is a part of a pair. There are certain behaviors we have as singles that must be pushed out in order to be in a relationship. For example, we can’t have various relationships with multiple people if we are agreeing to being monogamous with one person. That’s a change that’s necessary for a relationship to flourish. But when a requested change is something like “I need you to be a more aggressive person because that would satisfy me more in this relationship” or “ I want you to speak to me the way my ex used to” , these are more examples of the personality conflicts that I have discussed in the previous paragraph. Understand also that these statements can be cleverly hidden in words that are less blunt but nonetheless abrasive. These are examples of the person needing you to complete them in order for them to be happy. The truth is that these are relationships that will be short lived.

Working on a relationship is required in order for it to be a lasting one, however, there’s an art in knowing that a relationship needs work, or needs to end. When someone used to do something and you miss it, requesting them to continue the behavior you’ve grown accustomed to, is working on the relationship. Asking them to do something totally different and unlike who they are, is not. If you’re unsure about how that person feels about you, simply ask. If they answer you, and you’re in a monogamous relationship, trust what they tell you. Maybe you like to hear it a lot and your partner isn’t prone to grand gestures of verbal expressions of love, but he or she is very giving of her time and affection. Pay attention to that. The story is the same, only delivered differently. Don’t assume that if they don’t say and do exactly what your personal guidebook describes, that they aren’t into you. You could just be reading the signals incorrectly. If it gets to a point where you are unable to deal with the difference in expression, then move on to someone who gives you what you want.

You can’t change a person. You can only accept and stay… or accept and leave.

Until next time.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

While watching an episode of Family Guy, Stewie, my favorite baby in the whole world, brought me to a realization about life. The Light at the End of the Tunnel.

At the beginning of life, or birth, we are exiting the womb and going toward the light of earth. At the transformation of life, or death, we are exiting the earth and going toward the light of the universe. But what about the time between those two events?

If life is a journey, then we are traveling through tunnels created only by our perceptions of the mind. We internally determine what the path is and the direction; whether towards the light (forgiveness) or away from it (bitterness). The irony of the beginning and transforming of life is that we have no recollection of the events while on earth. One reason being that as babies we simply don’t have the synaptic mass created in our brains during birth, thus no cognitive capability to memorize the event. The other is when we experience death, we are leaving the physical world; thus brain functioning behind. However, the interesting part is that while on earth, we are practicing the same activity that we experience in the beginning and the end. And we are doing this without knowing it.

I wonder if earthly life is designed for the purpose of teaching us to be prepared for the transition into the afterlife (and whatever occurs there). If we are able to let go of earthly trauma and understand that the light at the end of the tunnel is forgiveness and perhaps forgetfulness, then at the time of death, we will be able to transition easily into the spirit world from the physical world. Spiritual Evolution.

Hmm...

Who’d knew that a little cartoon character could shed light (no pun intended) on a major concept about life…

…

Until next time.

Questioning

Sometimes we have questions.

Where do babies come from?
Where is this relationship going?
Why do we have to learn geometry?
What if _______?

Typically, we ask them because we are unsure of the answer. However, there are times when we do have the answer, but we are in denial. We’ll ask the question hoping to get a different response than the answer we already know. Sometimes we can be in denial about positive things because we have a pessimistic point of view that convinces us an action isn’t in favor of our best interest. Ultimately the negative answer we keep searching for becomes the reality.

She kept asking me “what color is the sky”? I repeatedly answered, “Blue”. The first time, then again, then again. I told her the sky was blue, I showed her the sky was blue, I expressed multiples times, in multiple ways, that the sky was blue, and she still believed it was gray. Then today I said, “maybe I’ll have to figure out if the sky is gray; it just might be the case”. Then the gray sky came out and shown itself to her just as she wished. Her response was disbelief. She thought that I should have kept telling her the sky was blue, so that she could believe it. But the truth is, no matter how many times I show her the sky is blue, she will continue to believe it is gray. And so she got her answer.

And I got mine…

Until next time.

Motivation

Yesterday I exposed my existential crisis. The nagging little voice that has convinced me there's more. The boredom and lack of identifying life's purpose. I happened to come across a blogger's article who has some helpful tips on maintaining motivation.

I hope you find it helpful. I did.

Get Off Your Butt: 16 Ways to Get Motivated When You’re in a Slump

Until next time...

Existential Crisis

Ultimately the main thing that’s constant on earth is time. It comes and it goes. It’s been here before, here now, and it’s gone in a moment. It’s coming quickly, or not quickly enough, but it lies indefinitely ahead of us. It can’t be held, seen, tasted, touched, smelled, or sensed, but it’s there. Staring us in the face or trailing our heels as we push forward.

I make it a point not to wear a watch. This whole idea of rushing around to go nowhere is too disappointing for me. There’s a pleasure in taking time to do something, and I’ve taken to this semi-leisurely mentality. But at the same time, I can’t help but feel that, I need to be doing something with my time. Having spent 26 years on earth, I’m wondering what’s it all worth? What’s the point of this life? You work daily, you spend time with friends, if you’re lucky, you fall in love. Perhaps you explore the world. And then what? What is the purpose of waking up daily and going about the usual routine?

I’ve been told I’m going through an existential crisis and that I’m 25 years ahead of my time, considering middle aged people usually have this experience. As Americans we have a predetermined expectation of attaining success in our lives. Success is the ultimate level of satisfaction that one can reach, however the image of success is all skewed. “Financial freedom” is supposedly the end all be all of success and even though we have realized that money doesn’t equal happiness, the equation still remains the same.

The truth is that I’m rather bored. It’s difficult to find enthusiasm in most things. Kind of like a dried up, overused sponge. I can’t help but feel like there’s more to the story. Like I’m only getting the prologue and all the remaining pages are blank. If this were a road trip…I would be traveling down the long stretch of highway at night in pitch black darkness and only one operable headlight.

What happened to the passion and motivation? The days where I couldn’t wait to get started on a new day. Not wanting life to slip out from under me, I’ve decided to question… I believe introspection is the exact term. Any ideas on the how-to of introspection?

Until next time…

A Moment's Notice...

Sometimes relationships get ill….

That infamous line from The Roots, featuring Erykah Badu, is so simple, yet emits so much power. I’ve had my fair share of relationship drama, downfalls, and disasters, so if you’ve been through it, chances are I have as well. Why is it so easy to look into another person’s situation and analyze and break it down to its lowest common denominator, while it’s virtually impossible to look at your own and do the same?

I used to be single. I used to be selfish. I used to expect to remain that way for life. Now that has all changed. The possibility of marriage. The probability of offspring. The spending life together. The sharing of everything that used to be Mine. Where the ME was the forefront of my concerns, the WE has taken over. But at a moment’s notice, we could decide to end it all.

How do you know whether or not “me time” is actually, me minus you for the rest of my life time?

Baby don’t worry, you know that you got me….

Until next time…