Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Cure Fear by Living in the Moment

"We settle on a perspective, and then we collect evidence to support our outlook".

As an avid reader of psychology, theology, and philosophy, I found this particular quote both transcendental and moving.

When we look at a situation going on in our lives, what we see is a combination of past events and present expectations. The images that come to mind catalyze our deepest fears, and as a consequence we go into fight or flight mode emotionally. Being that emotions are the epicenter of our spiritual existence, it is the one thing we guard with hyper-aggression. Probably more than our own physical safety. For example, sometimes we fear failure, so much so that we prevent ourselves from even taking the first step toward accomplishing a goal. We decide that procrastination is a better method for dealing with the fear, and rationalize the putting off of certain goals by claiming we are unable to accomplish it; all before even understanding what it may ask of us to complete. Yet, we risk driving recklessly, under the influence, at night, in the rain. The odds of physical harm are ten times more likely to become a part of our experience than a failure that will end up crippling our dreams for the rest of our lives.

If risk is inevitable for acquiring satisfaction, why then is emotional risk hindered by irrational phobias? Fears develop as we attain experiences-- usually unpleasant ones -- and we make an attempt to protect ourselves from repeating that undesirable outcome again. Which is good, because it shows that we have learned something in the process. That we have learned not to repeat the same mistake. The downside is due to becoming hyper vigilant about not succumbing to the situations that have caused us such pain in the past. Usually this extreme need to protect only serves to draw in the undesired outcome. That which we fear the most, almost always ends up unfolding before our eyes.

So let not the evidence of your reality, mimic the perspective of your perceived past, and instead, live simply; in the moment.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Faith

Have Faith. People say these two little words to appease the inevitable anxiety experienced due to lack of knowledge of the future. I'm in a position where all of the chips are up in the air. Love, career, and social matters all have a beginning, yet none of them have a clear path ahead of me. I suppose this is, by definition, the meaning of Life. Embarking on a journey. And the very nature of a journey is to experience the unknown.

But sometimes you just need a hint. A hunch. A bone. A something that let's you know you are on the right track. Or at least on a track that is headed forward, and not into a dead-end.

Have Faith. How does one get faith to begin with? And once it's been had, how does one hold on to it? It can, in fact, be quite elusive when the signs aren't pointing to the final destination.

Take Love for example. Love has a way of cleverly playing hide and seek when you wish it would just give up and show itself. Then, just when you think you've sniffed out its hiding spot, you find yourself lost in a forest, with no track marks to find your way back to civilization. Having faith in this situation is easy in terms of accepting that you will eventually make your way back to camp (as in, return to your "normal" self). But the need to find love never escapes you. It's like the first high a crack addict experiences and seeks for years to experience again. Having faith that you will eventually grab a hold of love's hand before it escapes you again is quite difficult to get a good grasp on.

I'm still trying to find the faith that I will find love and it will not run away. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy watching the $1000 career and social chips fall on lucky number 27. When I figure this faith thing out, I'll let you know. And if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.

Until we chat again....

Monday, February 23, 2009

Indifference: Saving lives since 2000 B.C.

"Just thinking about you. Wanted to say hello." Rang a random text from the ex.

"...silence..." My (non)response to the text.

Indifference is a beautiful thing. A true expression that proves you have completely moved on.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Funny Thing About Breakups

The funny thing about breakups is that you expect your world to come crashing down when (and if) it happens. But like the pheonix rising from the ashes, you always learn and move on. So I leave with this quick quote:

"I expected emptiness in the aftermath. Instead I found fulfillment in the freedom."
~G


Until next time...

Friday, February 6, 2009

I believe in the power of the universe

I’m always surprised to find out that someone considers them self to be an Atheist. Generally these are people who are in fact sweet, intelligent, emotionally stable individuals. Too consider myself to be sweet, intelligent, and emotionally stable. But I am no Atheist. And after the unfolding of the last seven months of my life, I have NO DOUBT that there is SOMETHING “out there” that’s running this show. I’m not one of those “go to church three times a week and quote the bible every chance I get, converting folk to my religion” type. I’m just a person with perception who has the fortunate vision to see life unfolding in a manically methodical way.

If you take the time to sit back and watch, you’ll be amazed at how one piece came from the last and leads to the next. Nothing happens for naught. There is always an explanation because even the single most seemingly insignificant moment can have a sincerely profound effect on what may occur next. Just think of a time when you’ve said “What if I never had said/done/gone ______”. And think of the events that followed when you made the decision. We always talk about seeing the “big picture”. The funny thing about that is we always wish we could’ve seen it before we actually did. It never works that way. It would be too easy. Lessons are not intended for people who already know the information. They are for those of us in need of learning. We all learn the hard way. There is no other way to learn. And the things that occur are for the single purpose of learning something. You know you’ve learned it when you see the big picture. Like Freamon from The Wire said “…and all the pieces matter.” This is true in life in order to see the big the picture. For example, when you’re driving, you don’t just see the one car in front of you. You see the street, signs, all that is around you. This is the big picture. This is life. And this is not a sporadic thing. And these things don’t occur because somehow they magically appear out of nowhere. They occur because whatever up above has determined that in order for us to take the next step, we must take this step first. There are no skipping steps, and for those of us who make the silly mistake of doing so, we always fall back down to the bottom.

The Power of the Universe will ensure that your next step is available. But you have to open your eyes to see it. You have the free will to take it and you will be rewarded for your choice. Rewards come in what we may call good…or what we may call bad. But the truth is, there are no such things. Everything is neutral. When you open door number one…you get an answer. When you open door number two, you get an answer. They are neutral. One is not good and the other is not bad. Based on which you choose, you learn a lesson. This is the universe at work. Don’t fight the universe. You will lose. Believe in the power of the universe. Give in to the power of the universe. When the time comes, the big picture will reveal itself to you.

I believe in the power of the universe.
Until next time…

Monday, February 2, 2009

How to Fight a Sociopath and Win

With all this talk about pathological liars and sociopaths and such, I've found myself knee-deep in internet and book research on the topic and I came across a blog written by a self-proclaimed sociopath. I found this article, particularly interesting: How to Fight a Sociopath and Win

The Truth about Truth

Even after all the clues have been put together, new questions continue to arise and the hole you thought was filling is really only growing larger. You can keep digging for new clues as each answer leads down a rabbit hole of additional questions and endless possibilities until you're inevitably involved in the situation you only wanted to remain an observer of. That's when you have to decide or at least realize that sometimes the best answer is no answer. You may never know the truth or the answer to top all answers (thus all questions) but maybe that's to your benefit.

They say curiosity kills the cat. A cliche that's anything but myth. That space in your mind left open to the possibilities may be better off than the one filled with the nagging memory of hardcore truth.

The wife infuriated by suspicions of her husband's philandering may find that not knowing is frustrating. But she may find it much harder to live after catching him in the act with his mistress. Question after question has an answer that's goes deeper into the malicious mystery. The memory of suspicion is short lived however the memory of truth never disappears. It manifests itself in every aspect of your life. For the wife, her ability to trust is shattered and she spends the rest of her life gluing the pieces together. She questions the motives of any man who approaches her. She questions the witty comment made by her boss, taking it personally as she is unable to distinguish whether or not he's crossed the line into sexual harassment. She questions herself and her ability to make sound decisions. She will forever engage in internal dialogue that causes her to question a person's motives.

Ignorance vs. Awareness.

Truth. The foundation of enlightenment or the gateway to emotional and psychological ruin?

Friday, January 30, 2009

An interesting thing about Liars

From Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D. "Psychological Honesty": Even a pathological liar carries deep in his heart a desire for goodness and honesty and yet, because of painful emotional wounds, believes that the world never has, and never will, recognize his pain. And so, to hide that pain from himself, he uses all the lies he can concoct to hurl at the world as he runs in fear from his own goodness.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Why people lie — and how to tell if they are

If you are what you attract, what am I if I attract a pathological liar? Mere internet research provides too much, yet not enough information to the question “why do people lie?”. The results returned have provided so much insight into the generic reasons why people lie, such as to avoid punishment, or to preserve reputation. These examples are quite obvious in explaining the reason why someone would claim scoring a 1200 on an SAT when the truth is 1150. Or when a child claims to have not eaten the chocolate cake, ignorant of the evidence smeared around his mouth. But what about the adult who brazenly fixes her lips to speak a premeditated, multi-layered, cognitively complex misrepresentation of the truth? What is the explanation of that? There seems to be no easy answer. Of course one would admit that she’s hiding something. But of course that’s another one of those generic answers. What could a person have done, thought, said, or experienced that would cause them to go through such great lengths to intentionally hide it by lying about practically everything that came from her mouth?

Lying about some menial event in an effort to prevent an unnecessary conflict is one thing. Lying about your identity and all the makings of you is quite another. Dr. Gail Saltz, a New York Psychiatrist and contributor to the Today show, briefly explains the various levels of liars from those who tell little white lies – which in effect is all of human nature- and those who’s tale-telling goes quite a bit deeper under the surface. She describes those individuals who “lie a lot – and knowingly – for personal gain…may have a diagnosis called antisocial personality disorder”. Most of us refer to this commonly as being a sociopath. Sociopath. The label has a very strongly negative connotation, usually referring to an individual who creates damage on a level unfathomable by a healthy human being. But does it have to be so drastic? Perhaps sociopaths exist all among us and function as we all do without creating the grave destruction that we may associate with say – a serial killer. But their dissociative behavior is no less disturbing, particularly when you find yourself hopelessly smitten with someone who unfortunately falls into this category.

If you are someone who has been involved either romantically or otherwise with someone like this, you may find yourself asking a host of questions. Why’s and When’s and How’s. But the answers never come. The only way for you to figure them out is to accept that you will never know.

This leads to my first question… If you are what you attract, what am I if I attract a pathological liar?

Your suggestions are welcome...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Power Struggle

Relationships are like trying to find the perfect water temperature in your shower. It’s like you start off with perfectly heated hot water and then it becomes too hot so you turn on the cold faucet to even out the temps. And it always takes a few tries to get it just right. Eventually the cold takes over and you wonder if you've run out of hot water completely. That's what it’s like to see your other half unmasked. The petty squabbles, the random moments of passion, the changes in positive and negative energy...you never know what each moment will bring. Suddenly the excited haze fades and the sobering light of day parades around dressed as reality. I prefer the haze, even if it’s not real. At least it feels a helluva lot better. The consistency of knowing that I’m desired and not easily dispensable. The comfort of them finding your quirks cute even when you’re totally embarrassed by them. That’s pleasure. That’s also the “romantic” phase when everything is rose colored and sweet smelling. Before the reality of reality sets in and you realize that you’re both humans with habits that the other hates.

As a newbie in the relationship realm, I find this second (Power Struggle) stage to be anything but desirable. They claim there’s a pot-o-gold on the other side of this rainbow for those few who are strong enough to make it. I question my emotional fitness in this situation. I, being quite the sensitive type, find the nagging and change in tone a bit difficult to tolerate more often than not. Even when things feel good, the threat of stepping on a verbal landmine causes a sobering cloud to hover over the otherwise good vibes. Is this what I signed up for? The irony of the situation is that despite this discomfort, the desire to stay put remains. Fight or Flight manages to escape my biological composition during those awkward moments where voices are raised and eyes are rolled. And I always regret not doing something. Not saying something. Perhaps the road less traveled is quiet and thus leads to the pot-o-gold they claim is awaiting my arrival. I guess there is only one way to find out.

For now I’ll keep one hand behind my back, fingers crossed, with the other hand firmly planted in my mates.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

If you want to know a person’s state, check her closets

As humans –wait, let me rephrase that, as Adult Humans—we have the uncanny knack and the insatiable desire to put our best face forward. We’ve been told that first impressions are lasting impressions and we’ve been told to live as though we are always being watched. And on one level that’s not such a bad motto to live by. Until the best face forward becomes a mask that we are unable to remove.

One fortunate side effect of a growing relationship is that over time your mask and your partner’s mask is removed and you see the real person. This can be a challenging time in a relationship’s lifecycle. But the good thing about that is after you reach the other side of that challenge you grow closer and more confident in your trust for your partner and their trust for you. Unless you never make it to the other side because of a breakdown in trust. An already relatively unstable relationship will surely crumble under the weight of accusations and arguments. Never did I think I would give up so much of myself to another person. Never did I think that after giving my trust, it would be ripped up in such a way. That’s what lying does to a relationship…it rips up the trust like a maxed out credit card being pushed through an industrial strength shredder.

Being the anally neat person that I am, I really appreciate a person who is neat…and she was. I found her home equally as comfortable as my own. Until I looked in her closet. She had one of those closets that can make you afraid to stand in front of it, lest you open the door and everything topples over you. And not just one…but ALL of them. Cabinets, closets, storage closets. They were all filled to the brim and practically running over. They were cluttered with stuff. Lots of stuff. It was my idea to help her clean her bedroom closet. I had helped her reorganize and store things so that she could easily find them… then the next day it looked as though nothing had changed.

This had me thinking about people and their habits. We all have them…good ones, bad ones, ugly ones… Some people drink, some shop, some eat, some workout, some do drugs, some cheat on their mates, some lie, some write, some paint, some sing, some pick their cuticles. The point is what we do externally can directly mirror what our internal emotional and psychological state is. She had a bad habit of lying. I have a bad habit of overanalyzing (picking). Her habit of lying can be seen in how she hoards and stores. My habit can be seen in how I pick my cuticles. Yes it’s disgusting to pick to your cuticles, but it has this amazing calming effect. So anyway, last night after allowing the last tear of breakup to fall, it dawned on me that lying tends to be a behavior we do to cover up something. If she were a habitual liar, then she must have held on to a lot of experiences, some old, some new, some good, some bad. Just like her overstuffed closets.

So if you want to know what a person’s emotional and psychological state is, look in their closets. If an otherwise neat person has a mangled array of crap in their closet, it’s probably safe to assume they have a mangled array of crap in their psyche.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Because Mondays Suck Ass

I thought I could bring some cheer to your otherwise chronically sucking Monday. From my good friend, David, please enjoy the hilariousness...

:-)


You can be the strange one. Yes you can!


Today with a TheraFlu hangover, 4 hours of sleep, a stomach full of tea, and a 13 hour day in front of me, I'm entertaining myself (and I guess you) by coming up with a list of things you can do to pass the time. This is my original list and to the best of my knowledge none of these items have appeared on any list before in any circulation. If that proves to be untrue, please let me know and I'll remove it. Here goes....


10 Things You Can Do to Entertain Yourself at Work


1. Yell from your office, or desk, "That's what I'm talking about! Hell yea!". When someone comes to find out what the fuss is about say, "I did a spell check and it didn't find any errors".

2. Go into the bathroom and pull enough toilet paper from the roll to stick down the back of your pants/skirt/dress and drag about 5 feet behind you on the floor. When someone alerts you to your "trail", tell them that you were just thinking ahead. If they give you a blank stare, lean in and say, "its better than spotting"

3. Before you go to work, buy two 12-packs of dentyne gum. In front of one or many people, pop out all 12 pieces and put them in your mouth. Chew for a few seconds and then pretend to check your breath. Look disappointed in the smell and pull the second pack out of your pocket. Start popping some pieces out into your hand and then look up to see who's looking. Act secretive and walk away.

4. Ask the secretary for one paper clip. A few minutes later, go back and ask her for one more paper clip. Repeat until she offers more. Decline and take just one more. Return every few minutes to ask for another one. Keep assuring her that you wont be back for another.

5. When someone who annoys you at work is printing something the same time you are and the printer is out of paper, reload the paper one sheet at a time. If they voice their displeasure at your pace, point to the note from management/facilities/other instructing that paper be loaded one sheet at a time until further notice (you printed this earlier).

6. Randomly walk past someones desk and ask, "Are you heading to that meeting?". Before they answer, keep walking (works best by a door). As you're walking away say, "I'm on my way there now. See you there". If they follow you, head to the bathroom.

7. Tape two pennies to a post-it note and write "Thanks anyway" on it and leave it on someones desk you can see or hear from where you are. Claim ignorance if they ask who left it there.

8. Put strips of double-sided tape under a person's mouse on their desk and see how long they struggle to move it.

9. Take a bunch of paper clips and form the words "We're watching you" on someones desk. After they freak out, let them in on the joke (optional).

10. Put a ring tone of a long, loud fart on your phone and tape it under a random chair in a meeting you are in before people come in. Have a friend call you 15 minutes into the meeting and watch what happens.

If you try any of these, post the result.

*** Not responsible for termination and/or other consequences of trying this at your place of employment. Try at your own risk! ***

Monday, November 10, 2008

New Beginnings


A Picture is worth a thousand words...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Genesis



Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it! This is the day that starts the rest of our lives, our generation and those to follow. We have effectively began the process of change, that will result in the development of a unified nation. From all angles, all walks of life, all races, genders, and sexual orientations and classes. The road to recovery has begun. The 2008 President elect is Barack Obama. The first lady is a strong, beautiful, and very centered Black Woman and the first family, for the first time, is creating an environment of positive change, and patriotism in the hearts and souls of the people who have long been forgotten.

I am proud to be of the millions who voted our man into office.

I'm speechless... and proud... and excited... and hopeful.

O-BA-MA! O-BA-MA! O-BA-MA! O-BA-MA! O-BA-MA! O-BA-MA! O-BA-MA!


until next time.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day 2008



With so much talk about change during the last two years, one has to realize that a third of the job has already taken place. Consider the amount of voters who have been registered this year. Consider the spike in registered voters who have ventured out today, in the elements, waited in LONG lines, took off from work, traveled, to make sure they voted. More than ever in history. Consider that for the first time, an African American man, has a REALLY good chance at two-stepping his way into the Oval Office, to take up the most powerful position in the world. Consider the diverse audience in support of his policy. From blacks, to whites, and all in between, young to old, from all walks of life. Consider his policy, his position, to reverse the usual ways of government, typically driven by self-serving desires and run by the power of the dollar. That "my friends" is already a huge step taken. An example that proves Barack Obama has the power, the influence, the desire, and the drive to make change. We have seen him change things amazingly over the past two years. We will see him make change over the next 4-8 years. But the only way to do that is to get out and vote.

Barack Obama for President...

Until next time.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Sacrifice



Relationships are all about give and take, 50/50, and sacrifice. But when is enough, enough? I’ve recently had the fortunate experience of being sacrificed at a high emotional and financial cost by someone who consciously, or unconsciously, pinned me in a social corner. I say fortunately, because adversity has the lucky side effect of promoting wisdom. Not that I was a victim, but I was a student in the process and have now learned the art of escaping cognitive dissonance.

When forced to make a lose/lose decision, how can you be sure you are making the correct one? Any door you open will require a sacrifice. You have to decide whether the sacrifice you make crosses your personal boundaries. Because even dipping your big toe on the other side of the line is still crossing it.

Sacrifice, I have learned, does not mean cutting yourself in half for the fulfillment of another person. Even if he or she is a close friend or more. But sacrifice is merely postponing a selfish want in order to satisfy another person’s current need and knowing that reciprocity will be redeemed at a later date.

In the interim, "forgiveness is knowing that there could have been no different past." Fortunately for me, there will be a different future.


until next time.

The Countdown


The silly season of politics is reaching its peak as the election comes to a close, less than 24 hours before the polls open for citizens to vote. With the winding down of the most important, most life altering election, some people are getting quite creative with their shenanigans. From false fliers to ridiculous robo-calls, people-- mostly Obama supporters-- are becoming the victims of faulty information as a means to prevent us from going confidently to the polls to Barack our Vote. Some have been told that November 4th is the voting day for Republicans, while November 5th is the voting for Democrats. Some have found fliers in their doors, on their cars, or posted publicly stating lies about Obama and his alleged affiliations with terrorist groups, and even linking him to the Holocaust. (I can only roll my eyes and shake my head at this foolishness.) And at least one supporter has been threatened with deportation by a “private investigator”, sent by a fraudulent republican committee.

If you are one who has received a flier, a phone call, or an undesired visitor trying to convince you of arrest, deportation, or a switcharoo in voting dates, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. I repeat, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. These are all scare tactics, coming at the last minute in a lame attempt at trying to limit the voters who have the right to vote to exercise that right. Do not be manipulated. If you are registered (which I hope you all are), GO VOTE! There is NO excuse.

This is a time in our era that will determine the fate of the rest of the world, for the rest of time. We will be affected today…and our great-great-great-great-great-great grandkids will be as well.

With that, please take note of the following information for tomorrow’s election day.

Now, it is time to VOTE.

Things to remember on Election Day:

  1. Get to the polls AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.
  2. If given a choice between some form of paper ballot and some form of electronic ballot, CHOOSE PAPER. If need be, paper ballots can be re-counted,
  3. DO NOT wear Obama stuff to the polls. (This includes, buttons, hats,shirts, underwear, etc.) Don't chance it.
  4. Expect LONG LINES. Be prepared. Dress warmly. Bring something to read, if you like. But leave anything written by Barack Obama at home. (Don't invite any unnecessary misunderstandings). Leave your gameboys, PSPs and other electronic devices at home (polling places tend to frown on these things).
  5. STAY IN LINE. It is the most important line you've ever stood in. Make apit-stop *BEFORE* you go to the polls.
  6. Get to the polls AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.
  7. If the ballot or the instructions are not clear, raise your hand, and ASK the election Officials. Each county will have something different, so make sure that you understand what you're doing. Don't guess. Don't assume. Don't be tricked by a "Butterfly Ballot".
  8. No campaigning inside of the polls. Don't try to tell anyone how to vote. Don't discuss with anyone how you're voting.
  9. Get to the polls AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.
  10. MOST IMPORTANT: Vote For Barack Obama (President) and Joe Biden (Vice President)

Be smart, and be safe!

Rain or Shine, Sleet or Snow, GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE AND VOTE!

(information provided courtesy of my good friend Aaron)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fate


“I don’t believe in Fate”. My fun-loving friend boldly stated over the weekend as we discussed the current state of her relationship with her long-term boyfriend. She wondered whether it was worth remaining or better to leave. Given that the good and the bad tended to cancel each other out, she finds herself neither enthusiastic nor repulsed by the relationship. Based on my knowledge of her situation, I advised her to date around, not for the purpose of finding new love, per se, but for the purpose of growth. It is my intuition that they will ultimately be together, but there’s a period of personal expansion that she needs. Growing is fate. We’re all destined to be more than we were the day before. If you ask me, fate is certainly worth believing in.

We have very little control and only two choices in our entire life. We are born into circumstance and we exist in circumstance. We don’t choose the situations we ultimately end up experiencing. We only choose whether we’re going to experience the scenario painfully or peacefully. But regardless, we’re going to go through it. And that’s that. So basically, fate is a very real thing. I use the example of death. I’m going to die. You will too, if you weren’t aware. From now until then, I have two choices: 1. To live life to the fullest or 2. To live life controlled by limits. Those are our choices. In every situation, every day, every moment. My analysis of the situation is oversimplified as there are variables that effect how we make one of those two decisions, but the point is that there are only two. When you realize and accept that, you are then easily able to disassociate yourself with the petty dramas and self-created pitfalls that accompany the weather of life.

The weather will be what it will be. Some days it will rain. The simple solution is to remember your umbrella. Protective mechanisms can only help you so far. We create walls that provide a false sense of security from the “damage” that life’s harms create. But really there is no insurance from trauma. The act of “protecting” ourselves from adversity, only prevent us from developing. Take a breakup for example. Breakups suck! The ending of what you thought would last a lifetime (if not longer) can create a myriad of negative emotions. But really, what is an ending but a beginning in disguise? Often it takes a bit of time to realize this, but once you do, everything changes. Fate may be that you two are not meant to be, and if this is the case, no matter what you coulda, woulda, shoulda done will not change the outcome. The only thing you can do is decide what will happen within you. It’s natural to mope and sulk in the beginning of a trauma, but eventually (sooner than later) you have to actively decide that you are going to be fine. And before you know it, the sun comes out again.

I always say life is like a wave, sometimes you’re in the trough, sometimes you’re on the crest. Just ride the wave. There is no such thing as good or bad. There just is. Life is neutral; only your internal state of being can be good or bad. How you react to a situation determines the situation. Not the situation itself.

I am a believer. Not in life, love and the pursuit of happiness, but in fate. Que Sera, Sera. What will be, will be.

Until next time.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

You Complete Me


"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." - Raymond Hull

The film Jerry Maguire was made famous by an array of popular one liners that mimicked, if not, ridiculed the egoic existence of human experience. On one hand we have Cuba Gooding Jr. playing a rambunctious football star who, while jumping up and down, demands that Tom Cruise’s character show him the money. In a different scene we see Tom Cruise’s character make an attempt to display his affections for Renee Zellwegger’s character, by telling her “you complete me”.

You Complete Me.

Although the scene stealing gesture brought a mist to the eyes of the faint of heart, the words themselves have a great meaning beyond the surface of what they are intended to describe. On one hand it’s easy to believe that his You Complete Me, comment is merely a synonym for saying the other three words, I love You. If he were in love, he could’ve simply said, “I love you”. Makes for great reality, but apparently not good enough for TV. Now let’s assume this happens in real life. You partner says to you, “you complete me”. It would probably make you feel good, but should it? Wouldn’t this mean your partner is so fragmented in their own being, that they need you – a whole separate and completely different person - to make them whole? I think so. What about when your partner complains about you not completing them? When he or she needs you to alter your personality in order for them to feel, assured, secure, attractive, wanted, loved, or in some way satisfied for being in a relationship with you. Isn’t there something a bit wrong with that picture? What happened to the idea of accepting the person you are with, flaws and all?

We’re all perfect, in that we have strengths and weaknesses that create the whole person whom we are. If we were absent of flaws or absent of perfections, then we’d be imperfect. But that’s not the case for any of us. We all have positives and negatives and these combined traits are what create a balanced, whole, individual. Understanding that, we then meet a potential partner who we see as a whole person until we’re exposed to the flaws that we previously perceived as insignificant. Over time, infatuation no longer has the strength to hold up our perceptions as their flaws continuously unfold before our very eyes. Then we build this approach to changing the person’s negatives as a means to make our relationship with our partner more bearable. Isn’t it just the start of the end at this point? I mean we cannot shape and mold a person to be our ideal… We can only be our own ideal and hope that our efforts are reflected.

On one hand, change is necessary for every whole person who is a part of a pair. There are certain behaviors we have as singles that must be pushed out in order to be in a relationship. For example, we can’t have various relationships with multiple people if we are agreeing to being monogamous with one person. That’s a change that’s necessary for a relationship to flourish. But when a requested change is something like “I need you to be a more aggressive person because that would satisfy me more in this relationship” or “ I want you to speak to me the way my ex used to” , these are more examples of the personality conflicts that I have discussed in the previous paragraph. Understand also that these statements can be cleverly hidden in words that are less blunt but nonetheless abrasive. These are examples of the person needing you to complete them in order for them to be happy. The truth is that these are relationships that will be short lived.

Working on a relationship is required in order for it to be a lasting one, however, there’s an art in knowing that a relationship needs work, or needs to end. When someone used to do something and you miss it, requesting them to continue the behavior you’ve grown accustomed to, is working on the relationship. Asking them to do something totally different and unlike who they are, is not. If you’re unsure about how that person feels about you, simply ask. If they answer you, and you’re in a monogamous relationship, trust what they tell you. Maybe you like to hear it a lot and your partner isn’t prone to grand gestures of verbal expressions of love, but he or she is very giving of her time and affection. Pay attention to that. The story is the same, only delivered differently. Don’t assume that if they don’t say and do exactly what your personal guidebook describes, that they aren’t into you. You could just be reading the signals incorrectly. If it gets to a point where you are unable to deal with the difference in expression, then move on to someone who gives you what you want.

You can’t change a person. You can only accept and stay… or accept and leave.

Until next time.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Light at the End of the Tunnel



While watching an episode of Family Guy, Stewie, my favorite baby in the whole world, brought me to a realization about life. The Light at the End of the Tunnel.

At the beginning of life, or birth, we are exiting the womb and going toward the light of earth. At the transformation of life, or death, we are exiting the earth and going toward the light of the universe. But what about the time between those two events?

If life is a journey, then we are traveling through tunnels created only by our perceptions of the mind. We internally determine what the path is and the direction; whether towards the light (forgiveness) or away from it (bitterness). The irony of the beginning and transforming of life is that we have no recollection of the events while on earth. One reason being that as babies we simply don’t have the synaptic mass created in our brains during birth, thus no cognitive capability to memorize the event. The other is when we experience death, we are leaving the physical world; thus brain functioning behind. However, the interesting part is that while on earth, we are practicing the same activity that we experience in the beginning and the end. And we are doing this without knowing it.

I wonder if earthly life is designed for the purpose of teaching us to be prepared for the transition into the afterlife (and whatever occurs there). If we are able to let go of earthly trauma and understand that the light at the end of the tunnel is forgiveness and perhaps forgetfulness, then at the time of death, we will be able to transition easily into the spirit world from the physical world. Spiritual Evolution.

Hmm...

Who’d knew that a little cartoon character could shed light (no pun intended) on a major concept about life…



Until next time.